Become a better Lover Part 1

Becoming a better lover starts with your own self-love. As an integrative fitness professional I always look at the body first and then mind, however I do understand that the body, mind and spirit are all connected and each influences the others equally. My life’s work is solely focused on the body to mind connection. I’m sure we can all relate to phrases such as:

• Fall in love
• My heart flutters
• My heart beats loudly with joy
• Heartless or Cold-Hearted
• Big Hearted
• Heartfelt
• Take things to heart
• Talk heart to heart
• From the bottom of your heart
• Half-hearted
• You have touched my heart
• You have touched the deepest part of my being

The list could go on and on but you get my point. We always picture a heart in red and red roses are taken differently than peach roses when received. If we think about it, LOVE rarely flows smoothly in our lives. We have all felt abuse, childhood conflicts, hurt or loss and sometimes these traumas causes us to lock our heart away. When we do this it serves as a protection and limits our feelings around love for ourselves and others. Often we lock away our heart we start to feel things like:

• Mistrust
• Uncaring
• Shallow
• Hateful
• Prejudice
• Fearful

We become closed of our own need for love. We are all wired for love and need love to survive. Boys are often taught not to express or feel with their emotions so that they appear brave, powerful and strong. This generally leads to adulthood with the inability to express gentleness, caring or nurturing qualities. This type of ethos instills fear, pulling back, putting up walls or defenses on the external and internally all they really want is love but don’t have the tools.

“Love is letting go of fear.” – Gerald Jampolsky

All of your passion, adoration, devotion, fear, anger, hurt, desire, yearning, gratitude and joy are expressed from your heart and through your mouth. They are expressed in words, intonation, kissing and through our body like our shoulders, arms and hands like hugs, hand holding, caring or pushing away and through sexuality or by caring and sharing. Love is a choice whether it is self-love or loving others. What is stopping you for embracing self-love and the love that is right in front of you? I challenge you for the next 90 days to write in a journal, or on social media what is in your heart. Every day start with the sentence “In my heart I feel…” (Fill in whatever comes up)! Deb Shapiro says the heart is our emotional home and here lays all of our struggles, anguishes, hurts, likes, dislikes, longings, yearnings and joy. In the case of heart transplants there have been many stories where they say the likes and dislikes of the donor were transplanted to the recipient.

It is a life lesson that we all must learn. In order to listen… to respect… to trust our feelings, we must first learn to open our heart. Alexander Lowen describes the heart as a king and the mind as the king’s advisors. The advisors go out into the world and then report to the king their findings. The king listens but makes his own decisions based on his intuition and deeper understanding of the bigger picture. So here is the skinny when you listen to your heart and not your mind you are making the right decision. Even though the heart may appear illogical or irrational, intuitively you know that it is a more real and meaningful decision. Our heart is the center of our being the center of our love. Native Americans have said about the white man: “It is strange the white man thinks with his head instead of his heart.” Our rhythm of our heart is affected by our deepest feeling such as increased undue stress, emotional trauma, shock, fear, passion, elation or joy and then once we become relaxed the heart returns to its natural normal rhythm.

Dr. Gary Chapman has a quiz on his website along with other books, dvd’s etc. on the Love Languages www.5lovelanguages.com My five love languages are in order of importance to me: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch and Receiving Gifts. My husband’s five love languages are in order of importance to him: Acts of Service, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. Learning what your love languages are helps you to determine how you like to be loved and it allows you to learn to be open and to understand that not everyone loves like you so you can learn to respect and meet the needs of those around you. Don’t just throw darts without a bull’s-eye. Really, what good are a house, cars, beach, trips, and life without someone to share it with? I didn’t learn my love languages until I was in my 40’s and intuitively I knew that quality time was top for me and gifts were low. I’d much rather have memories than a material object any day.

“We are looking for love and reaching out for love, May the love that we are radiate into the world. We all have a common thread of shared love for ourselves.” – Kim Searl

I love rose quartz for the heart. Eros brought it to the earth in hopes that its beautiful color would arouse love and desire among people. It symbolizes trust and brotherly love. It is also so very helpful in affairs of the heart. It strengthens friendships, combats love sickness and opens the mind to beautiful things. I’m also reminded of candle quartz. Its energy radiates love and fosters harmony in groups; releases fear, worry and emotional dependence and heals the heart! We are all balls of light-energy filled with love. By placing a hand on the heart and a hand on your belly button in just 10 seconds with the added breath as the bridge linking these two centers of the body together you have connected to your heart anchor – I AM LOVE! (Aham Prema)

Anahata – hold your two hands together and this is the heart… it brings two things together and integrates them… it allows each to offer support to be present in its wholeness and to expand into something greater. Our love is a base within the heart. Our heart chakra is a means of going within and feeling all that we are. We learn about ourselves. We accept who we are, recognizing the positive and negatives and relaxing within them and being them. When we see another (both in a state of joy or a state of pain) we can look to that person and realize that we’ve been through the same thing. We feel compassion and if we share that compassion with them they feel our love. Because they gain the love that we are, they become stronger and they offer back love, understanding and acceptance back to us. Air is the element of our heart (which is our breath). As you reach the top of your inhale, allow it to be an offering to the exhale and vs versa. We find our whole breath within the integration of the “in” and “out” breath. The heart is an integrator it brings together two things that may seem separate and supports them on an energetic level. Anahata lies in the middle of the chakras being the energetic integrator of our earthly self and our spiritual self. The heart is reflected and balanced, when one overcomes the other there is no balance… it becomes weighted in one direction, heavy, overwhelmed. As both earthly and divine we become whole, we expand and we become everything.

“The ugliest thing that I have ever seen is a selfish human being without compassion and empathy.” Kim Searl

Does having sex make your life better or more complicated? Adam and Eve, Romance, Passion, etc. Stressed is Desserts spelled backwards Sex is the dessert that has no calories and is the antidote to stress. We are all here because of sex and the number one reason why people aren’t having sex is that they are tired!

Study yourself – determine what is enough, what you need, and then communicate it to those that love and support you. Our needs change with the seasons of life. What have you been dreaming about? It is your responsibility to determine what is enough and then to communicate it to those around you. But it starts with you. Don’t sweat the small stuff – slip of a tongue. Tone – be careful with what you say. Your words have an impact. Disregarding another person’s faults preserves love! Be mindful of your self-talk, it’s a conversation with the universe. Privately and publicly praise those you love. It feels good to hear this from someone you love. Words satisfy the soul as food satisfies the stomach – the right words on a person’s lips bring satisfaction – SO TRUE. Don’t give up even if the person doesn’t say how much it means to them – learn to speak up to say how much it means to you when someone praises you. A core value should be to never criticize someone you love publicly, including yourself. If you are in a relationship that is at a crossroads of restoration or destruction… I like the Jason Mraz song “I Won’t Give Up.” because my favorite four letter word is LOVE! Love is a choice! Start with you and then move to us. Starting with you? I love the two books by Miguel Ruiz The Four Agreements and The Mastery of Love. I also like the book Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin (this is a good book to do with a loved one). Relationships (at best) are complicated and complex and yet many of us go it without any guidance. Not to say we should follow a plan labeled step 1, 2, 3, etc…… what works for one isn’t what will work for all. However, going it blind (as many of us do) and expecting for it to all fall into place isn’t necessarily correct either. What if we were well-informed, guided and learned tools to support our relationship with ourselves and others? We all want to feel loved, feel cherished, cared for, and protected. As human beings we are wired for this and human beings have been being recorded in this pursuit since the beginning of time. We are social animals. Yet, with the new age of technology we aren’t putting our romantic relationships or committed friendships first. We aren’t using them as advocates or allies against hostile forces. We get off on the accomplishment list and forget to do the joy and ingredient list of creating a home for one another that is a safe place to relax and feel accepted, wanted, protected and cared for. Remember if you aren’t taking care of you and your own self-care than you aren’t really taking care of others. Hire a counselor and start doing your own work and seek counselors to do couples work.

“Even After All this time the sun never says to the Earth “You owe me.” Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky.”– Hafiz

Humans are sensitive beings and we are also emotional because we perceive everything with the emotional body. The emotional body is the medium of emotions, feelings, passions and desires which is more subtle than the energy body. Using the emotional body, mankind is able to experience intense emotions including both lower and higher emotions ranging from anger, fear, stress, irritation to love, compassion and happiness. In other words, emotional body is specialized in feeling. Humans use fear to domesticate humans and fear increases with each experience of injustice. Some injustices open wounds in our emotional body and still yet some of these wounds continue to fill with emotional poison. We begin to transfer this emotional poison throughout our lives and generations to come. According to Miguel Ruiz we create the Judge in our mind that is judging everything we do, everything we don’t do, everything we feel and everything we don’t feel. In time, you begin to realize that and understand why relationships don’t work with our parents, children, friends, partners… even us. Why doesn’t a relationship work with us? …because we are wounded and filled with emotional poison. The dream that we thought relationships were doesn’t exist. Perfection doesn’t exist. We reject ourselves, we judge ourselves and we find ourselves guilty. We punish ourselves. Look around in the world. There is so much punishment and suffering going on and everyone is judging. What would happen if we each started to value and love ourselves? What would happen if today you accepted yourself as you are and that you are enough? What would happen if we gave up on abuse, blame, shame, guilt, and instead embraced love, peace, joy, compassion, accountability and gratitude?

Looking For Love
A strange passion is moving in my head. My heart has become a bird which searches in the sky. Every part of me goes in different directions. Is it really so that the one I love is everywhere? – Rumi

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