“Suspicious Procrastination”

Well, it’s been three weeks since I typed out the first blog.  I’ve been eyeing the box of pills and liquids suspiciously over the course of the last three weeks.  That’s why I typed the blog in the first place… accountability.  Clearly, being married to a fitness professional hasn’t inspired me to movement; I need the entire blogosphere to wonder what’s been up and why I haven’t written about the “great healthification of a stubborn middle-aged man.”

What?  You didn’t expect the fat guy to just jump in and do “health” professionally did you?  I don’t actually “do” health; in fact, quite the opposite.  My brain compels me to eat poorly and move little.

I have been a smoker.  I think it’s been almost nine years since I’ve smoked as a habit.  I still want a cigarette when stressed out or after a big meal or with my coffee or while drinking alcohol.  This is likely a sign of an addictive personality (if there is such a thing).  My assumption is that it will be much the same as quitting smoking when dealing with foods that I like to overeat.  I need some “brain re-training.”   Portion control, meal planning, changing my taste buds to crave fruit, vegetables and whole grains… these are all things that I know will happen.  The last three weeks, I’ve been putting it off.

If you stare at a “box of health” suspiciously long enough, It starts to stare suspiciously back at you.  This is why treadmills are always covered in clothes… to cover up the stare.  Thankfully, all of my exercise equipment is in a big, open, inviting studio run by my wife.  I never need to go there if I don’t want to.  This is a very effective way to avoid the suspicious stares of exercise equipment. 

Now, I have a new reason to procrastinate the start of the program.  Kim has told me that she would like to do the cleanse portion with me.  This is the beginning of the program that I’ve got in the box, so now I can wait until after Easter dinner.  Mind you, just because I’m not starting the cleanse, that’s no reason not to start with the other items on the list.  I could start eating better and moving more.  I won’t… because… you know…

Have you ever stopped to think about how close together eating holidays and personal celebrations are.  Americans are hard pressed to have two solid weeks without a food related celebration of some sort.  There are cupcakes in the office.  It’s your child’s birthday.  Your buddy is having a March Madness-all-day-basketball-a-thon.  These are real things! And there is no way to avoid them.  The only correct thing to do is to retrain yourself to handle them correctly.  I’ve heard it’s possible to have 1-2 cupcakes.  I know!  That sounds crazy, right?  I’ve heard it’s possible to eat a full meal of something healthy before going over to your Buddy’s house so that you don’t stuff yourself with the awesome crap that his wife has dutifully spent hours making for you fat old men.  Really!  I’m not making this up. 

A small amount of awesome crap is okay.  A person should never try to eliminate awesome crap.  It’s what makes us happy.  I have also heard that once a person’s fully re-trained, you don’t really want awesome crap as much and that it makes you feel kind of sick when you over-indulge.  This is the end goal, right?  To be so healthy that your body rejects awesome crap and you don’t crave it?  I think that’s the end goal, and most likely the reason it takes so long to change a lifestyle. 

I cannot imagine not craving Chili-Mac, or being utterly satisfied with a healthy version.  Who would that person be?  Not this guy.  Just typing the words Chili-Mac has made my mouth water.  Imagine spending all day Sunday cooking up the perfect Chili with sausage and burger, making it a little too spicy on purpose.  Imagine putting it in a lasagna pan and topping it with homemade Shrimp or Lobster Mac-and-cheese and baking it in the oven, covered in crackers until they are nicely toasted and the cheese is bubbly… and…  Sorry… Went off the rails a little bit.

What was I talking about?  Oh, suspicious procrastination.  Yeah, um, It’s bad, and I, um, need to try to work on that.  Right now I need to go get ingredients for Chili-Mac and prepare myself for the cleanse following Easter dinner.

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“The Hard Way”

So… I’m the Guinea Pig… You know… So you guys don’t need to be.  You’re Welcome.

And more importantly, Kim tries stuff out on me so she has first-hand knowledge of a program that she’s researched and read reviews about but hasn’t actually attempted yet with clients.

I received my new program about a week ago but hadn’t opened it yet.  I have some “free time” today so I thought I would investigate the package.  Kim will be asking me about it later because I was supposed to start the program this morning.

I didn’t, but I will soon.

 I see vitamin containers that I haven’t bothered to read, a giant seven day pill container that would shame your grandparents (yea!), a couple light-duty cardboard boxes that most likely contain daily pill packs (because I’ve been to this dance before) and a larger heavy-duty cardboard box that I’ve never seen before.

NEVER SEEN BEFORE… HMMMM…

Color me curious.  I like opening boxes anyway. 

 

I wasn’t expecting that.  Two glass bottles.  Fancy paint.  Liquid dietary supplement.  No literature.

I bet it tastes terrible.  Anything that is presented that well must taste terrible.

I don’t even really know what the name of this program is.  I’m sure it’s just as well; I would most likely frown and be annoyed.  It looks like vitamins and a cleanse… things most people need, including me.

If you don’t know me, I’m Kim’s out-of-shape husband.

I have a metabolic disorder called “Too Much Bad Stuff, Not Enough Exercise.” 

I used to be more active, but that isn’t an excuse.  I do not prioritize eating right or exercise; I’m most likely 50+ lbs. overweight and have no cardio stamina.  I just turned 42.

If I hope to live any quality of life over the next 42 years, I really better figure this out.  This is the first time I have blog’d about being the fat husband of a fitness professional.  It’s embarrassing to say the least.  I also feel it reflects badly on her business, so I try to stay out of the studio if I can. 

During the next 12-18 months I hope to work toward changing my lifestyle.  I’m also hoping that this blog will help to keep me honest.  Based on all of my experiences with Kim, my guesstimation is that I will spend this year, maybe 18 months, getting this new lifestyle figured out.  The unfortunate/ fortunate thing that I’ve realized while living and working with Kim is that a lifestyle change isn’t temporary.  After I figure it out, I have another 28 months of battling to keep my head in the game.  I hope it becomes easier to maintain after I have created the “New Me” but that remains to be seen.

If it’s temporary, you didn’t change your lifestyle.

I believe the saying goes:  It takes 28 days to create a habit and 28 months of consistency to call something a lifestyle.

18 months of trial and error and 28 months of consistency equals 46 months.  That’s December of 2016!  The “New Me” will be approaching 46 years of age.  Quite a gestation rate!  As Kim is always so quick to point out… “You didn’t put on all of that weight and lose your fitness in 30 days, why would you expect to change your lifestyle (or your body) in that time frame?”  I’m a pain-in-the-ass, stubborn, asshole-of-a-man most of the time.  I’m sure this will make it harder to change but I would like to look and feel my best as I approach my 50’s and there is really only “The Hard Way.”  

Over the next few blogs I will explore this program that I pulled out of the box this morning and describe my trials and tribulations with it.  I’m not going to promise anything crazy like a daily description because “life happens” but I will try to keep typing regular updates.  I also hope to keep it real.  If something tastes like crap, I’ll let you know.  If something gives me gas, I let you know that too.

Once Kim reads this blog, she’ll most likely start going crazy in her “Kim way” and have me on Face-Tweet and Twit-Book and create my own blog area in MBB… and on, and on… So I look forward to (at least for a while) being your most popular blog entertainment on MBB. 

Here we go!

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