“Suspicious Procrastination”


Well, it’s been three weeks since I typed out the first blog.  I’ve been eyeing the box of pills and liquids suspiciously over the course of the last three weeks.  That’s why I typed the blog in the first place… accountability.  Clearly, being married to a fitness professional hasn’t inspired me to movement; I need the entire blogosphere to wonder what’s been up and why I haven’t written about the “great healthification of a stubborn middle-aged man.”

What?  You didn’t expect the fat guy to just jump in and do “health” professionally did you?  I don’t actually “do” health; in fact, quite the opposite.  My brain compels me to eat poorly and move little.

I have been a smoker.  I think it’s been almost nine years since I’ve smoked as a habit.  I still want a cigarette when stressed out or after a big meal or with my coffee or while drinking alcohol.  This is likely a sign of an addictive personality (if there is such a thing).  My assumption is that it will be much the same as quitting smoking when dealing with foods that I like to overeat.  I need some “brain re-training.”   Portion control, meal planning, changing my taste buds to crave fruit, vegetables and whole grains… these are all things that I know will happen.  The last three weeks, I’ve been putting it off.

If you stare at a “box of health” suspiciously long enough, It starts to stare suspiciously back at you.  This is why treadmills are always covered in clothes… to cover up the stare.  Thankfully, all of my exercise equipment is in a big, open, inviting studio run by my wife.  I never need to go there if I don’t want to.  This is a very effective way to avoid the suspicious stares of exercise equipment. 

Now, I have a new reason to procrastinate the start of the program.  Kim has told me that she would like to do the cleanse portion with me.  This is the beginning of the program that I’ve got in the box, so now I can wait until after Easter dinner.  Mind you, just because I’m not starting the cleanse, that’s no reason not to start with the other items on the list.  I could start eating better and moving more.  I won’t… because… you know…

Have you ever stopped to think about how close together eating holidays and personal celebrations are.  Americans are hard pressed to have two solid weeks without a food related celebration of some sort.  There are cupcakes in the office.  It’s your child’s birthday.  Your buddy is having a March Madness-all-day-basketball-a-thon.  These are real things! And there is no way to avoid them.  The only correct thing to do is to retrain yourself to handle them correctly.  I’ve heard it’s possible to have 1-2 cupcakes.  I know!  That sounds crazy, right?  I’ve heard it’s possible to eat a full meal of something healthy before going over to your Buddy’s house so that you don’t stuff yourself with the awesome crap that his wife has dutifully spent hours making for you fat old men.  Really!  I’m not making this up. 

A small amount of awesome crap is okay.  A person should never try to eliminate awesome crap.  It’s what makes us happy.  I have also heard that once a person’s fully re-trained, you don’t really want awesome crap as much and that it makes you feel kind of sick when you over-indulge.  This is the end goal, right?  To be so healthy that your body rejects awesome crap and you don’t crave it?  I think that’s the end goal, and most likely the reason it takes so long to change a lifestyle. 

I cannot imagine not craving Chili-Mac, or being utterly satisfied with a healthy version.  Who would that person be?  Not this guy.  Just typing the words Chili-Mac has made my mouth water.  Imagine spending all day Sunday cooking up the perfect Chili with sausage and burger, making it a little too spicy on purpose.  Imagine putting it in a lasagna pan and topping it with homemade Shrimp or Lobster Mac-and-cheese and baking it in the oven, covered in crackers until they are nicely toasted and the cheese is bubbly… and…  Sorry… Went off the rails a little bit.

What was I talking about?  Oh, suspicious procrastination.  Yeah, um, It’s bad, and I, um, need to try to work on that.  Right now I need to go get ingredients for Chili-Mac and prepare myself for the cleanse following Easter dinner.

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